http://youtu.be/vTnWFT3DvVA (after we left the hospital)
http://youtu.be/0mUICctizrM ( this was my song before the delivery. You hear it in my PT2 of my video)
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Journey #2!
It's been awhile since I have posted here! Much to tell! I am currently 3DP5DT, in the dreaded 2WW! I have already taken four HPTs and it's making me crazy!!!! I am matched to two guys this time. They are 47 and 52 years old and still local IPs.... We transferred one day 5 hatching blast on the 23rd of October! RE gave use a 70% chance of success, so I am hopeful! Just ready to be out of the 2WW! We are using the same clinic I used with my last journey. IFs and I are working on building a relationship to make our journey better! I must say it is harder than I thought it would be to journey with someone other than my Stef..... I will be strong because now he is not my IF he is my brother from a Greek mother! :) I will be updating more frequently now!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Heartbroken someone could say something like this about something as beautiful as SURROGACY!
“Commercial surrogacy amounts to reproductive prostitution. You make use of the bodily functions of another person to fulfill your own needs. That’s what happens in prostitution. It has nothing to do with the interests of the child.” Professor Hoksbergen
After some research I was about to find out who this comment was made by. I also came across some of his more disgusted views! Here is the link to view! I have a good mind to contact him myself!
http://www.rnw.nl/english/article/commercial-surrogacy-a-sign-times
http://www.bioedge.org/index.php/bioethics/bioethics_article/9936
After some research I was about to find out who this comment was made by. I also came across some of his more disgusted views! Here is the link to view! I have a good mind to contact him myself!
http://www.rnw.nl/english/article/commercial-surrogacy-a-sign-times
http://www.bioedge.org/index.php/bioethics/bioethics_article/9936
One Memory!
One memory! I am happy to say that my entire journey has been an everlasting memory. Since the first time I met my Intended Father I knew he was the person I would take this journey with and everyday since then has been a dream come true... We have made many memories together! Every ultrasound has been full of breath taking moments, OB appointments full of anticipation and excitement, many lunches full of good laughs, and much, much more! It amazes me how I am always told what an amazing person I am and how I am making his dreams come true and all I can say is so is he! It's hard to believe in just a few weeks we will experience the most memorable moment of all, the day he meets his son and daughter! I can only dream about what that day will be like... My heart has truly grown since I became a Surrogate Mother... Special thanks to my Intended Father and amazing SurroTwins for showing me a new kind of Love
Egg Donor Retrieval update Journey #2
The ED produced 14 eggs. This is as of day three: five are GREAT (eight CELL), three are GOOD, and one is fair (five CELL). For those of you who don't get the lingo, this means the Egg Donor produced a good amount of high quality embryo's for our transfer in October! Today is day four for them! They should freeze tomorrow at day five as blastocysts if not the RE is give them an additional day to turn. Fingers crossed for healthy embie's to freeze!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
IPs Questions?
This is open for any questions IPs (Intended Parents) may have! You can also share any feelings, where you are in your journey, or talk about previous journeys!
Surrogate Questions?
I will have this open for any questions Surrogates may have... Ask away if I do not have the answer I will get it! You can share your feelings, where you are with a journey, or talk about a previous journey!
Altruistic Surrogate....
Altruistic surrogacy has started to become a buzz word from two groups of people: those on the outside looking at surrogate motherhood as a commercial enterprise, and those who are in need of a surro but cannot afford one. Are there women out there willing to become a surromom without taking a fee?
Let's get to the bottom of what exactly altruistic surrogacy is, as well as where to find such a surrogate. The word altruistic is an adjective derived from the word altruism. Altruism is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as follows:
Altruism: (noun)
1.Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.
2.(Zoology) Instinctive behavior that is detrimental to the individual but favors the survival or spread of that individual's genes, as by benefiting its relatives.
I find it particularly interesting that the zoological definition has to do with reproduction.
Altruistic surrogacy is where a surrogate mother agrees to gestate a child for intended parents without being compensated monetarily in any way. In other words, this is in effect a free surrogacy.
Now, all the surrogate pregnancy related expenses, such as health insurance, maternity clothes and prenatal vitamins are still paid by the intended parents, but the surrogate mother herself does not take a fee in any way.
Either a traditional or a gestational arrangement may be termed altruistic. As an intended parent reading this, you might think this sounds too good to be true. And, you'd probably be right. Let's examine why this sort of surrogate motherhood agreement is extremely uncommon.
All Surrogates are Altruistic
First off, let's make one thing clear. Although most journeys are not classified as altruistic surrogacy by the definition of the term, ALL surrogate mothers are altruistic. Despite the fact that most surrogates take a fee of some sort, the very existence of a surrogate mother credits her selflessness and generosity.
These women who choose surrogate motherhood have a very giving heart, and sacrifice much (even if they are compensated) to assist another couple in bringing a child (or children) into the world. Those that choose surrogacy are not out to make a quick buck (and those that are do not last long).
Why Not Many Surrogacies are Altruistic Surrogacy
For those not intimately involved in the process in one way or another, this may seem like a rather obvious question. If all surrogates are so generous, then why on earth do they charge a fee?
Well, truthfully, there's just a lot more to it than meets the eye. Any woman who has ever been pregnant before understands the physical constraints on a mother's body. But surrogate motherhood goes so much further than that.
The Risks
Though we consider pregnancy completely safe in this day-and-age, the truth is, women still die from pregnancy related complications in this country every year. There are risks. A surrogate mother may unexpectedly need a c-section. I myself hemorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion.
In addition, a surrogate mother may lose her reproductive abilities, putting her in the same category of infertility as her intended mother.
The Stress
A surrogate pregnancy can be extremely stressful for both the intended parents and the surrogate mother and her husband. I have seen marriages come to an end because of surrogacy.
Having to share on a daily basis all the details of this very intimate process with another couple, details you would only usually share with your spouse, can be very draining. It is a unique situation with unparalleled challenges.
The Inconveniences
There are a host of inconveniences that go along with surrogate motherhood. Things like not being able to pick up your own child, refraining from sexual relations for more than three months, and not drinking alcohol are some of them.
The Sacrifices
Most people do not understand the amount of sacrifice that really goes into surrogate pregnancy. For instance, because of various surrogacy laws, surrogates need to give birth in a specific state. This can mean that she is unable to travel via plane to her relatives home for the holidays, or that she might need to pass on a vacation with friends.
This can also mean that if something devastating were to happen, such as her own mother were to fall ill, or worse, pass away, she would be contractually unable to travel to her bedside for fear she would go into labor in an unfriendly surrogacy
All these things are what makes surrogacy by very nature altruistic. A surrogate's family sacrifices and goes to unbelievable lengths to give to the intended parents and their family. The fees a surrogate takes are paltry in comparison.
The truth is, though most surrogate mothers would love to do an altruistic surrogacy, it simply isn't practical. And it honestly isn't fair, to her or her family, to put them through such a situation without some sort of compensation, in most situations.
Where to Find an Altruistic Surrogate Mother
Though there are some women who wake up one day and suddenly decide to become a surrogate mother without taking a fee, they are few and far between. This is the equivalent of someone who donates a kidney to a complete stranger. It happens, but you do not hear about it often.
And just like a donated kidney, the best and most likely place to find a woman willing to be an altruistic surrogate is within your own immediate family or circle of close friends. A mother, a sister, a cousin, these are the people who would not only be the most willing to help achieve a surrogate pregnancy, but who would feel compelled to do it for free.
The main of the disadvantages of surrogacy is the sheer cost of the entire process. There are many, many surrogates out there who take a low fee, some low enough to almost be considered an altruistic surrogacy. If money is an issue, these women should be sought out using some of the ways to find an independent surrogacy match.
There would be no altruistic surrogacy arrangements through an agency of any sort.
Would you ever consider becoming a surrogate mother without accepting anything?
I got very annoyed by some of the things I read from IPs and Surrogates on the website so felt this was necessary to express myself and feeling on this topic!
Let's get to the bottom of what exactly altruistic surrogacy is, as well as where to find such a surrogate. The word altruistic is an adjective derived from the word altruism. Altruism is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as follows:
Altruism: (noun)
1.Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.
2.(Zoology) Instinctive behavior that is detrimental to the individual but favors the survival or spread of that individual's genes, as by benefiting its relatives.
I find it particularly interesting that the zoological definition has to do with reproduction.
Altruistic surrogacy is where a surrogate mother agrees to gestate a child for intended parents without being compensated monetarily in any way. In other words, this is in effect a free surrogacy.
Now, all the surrogate pregnancy related expenses, such as health insurance, maternity clothes and prenatal vitamins are still paid by the intended parents, but the surrogate mother herself does not take a fee in any way.
Either a traditional or a gestational arrangement may be termed altruistic. As an intended parent reading this, you might think this sounds too good to be true. And, you'd probably be right. Let's examine why this sort of surrogate motherhood agreement is extremely uncommon.
All Surrogates are Altruistic
First off, let's make one thing clear. Although most journeys are not classified as altruistic surrogacy by the definition of the term, ALL surrogate mothers are altruistic. Despite the fact that most surrogates take a fee of some sort, the very existence of a surrogate mother credits her selflessness and generosity.
These women who choose surrogate motherhood have a very giving heart, and sacrifice much (even if they are compensated) to assist another couple in bringing a child (or children) into the world. Those that choose surrogacy are not out to make a quick buck (and those that are do not last long).
Why Not Many Surrogacies are Altruistic Surrogacy
For those not intimately involved in the process in one way or another, this may seem like a rather obvious question. If all surrogates are so generous, then why on earth do they charge a fee?
Well, truthfully, there's just a lot more to it than meets the eye. Any woman who has ever been pregnant before understands the physical constraints on a mother's body. But surrogate motherhood goes so much further than that.
The Risks
Though we consider pregnancy completely safe in this day-and-age, the truth is, women still die from pregnancy related complications in this country every year. There are risks. A surrogate mother may unexpectedly need a c-section. I myself hemorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion.
In addition, a surrogate mother may lose her reproductive abilities, putting her in the same category of infertility as her intended mother.
The Stress
A surrogate pregnancy can be extremely stressful for both the intended parents and the surrogate mother and her husband. I have seen marriages come to an end because of surrogacy.
Having to share on a daily basis all the details of this very intimate process with another couple, details you would only usually share with your spouse, can be very draining. It is a unique situation with unparalleled challenges.
The Inconveniences
There are a host of inconveniences that go along with surrogate motherhood. Things like not being able to pick up your own child, refraining from sexual relations for more than three months, and not drinking alcohol are some of them.
The Sacrifices
Most people do not understand the amount of sacrifice that really goes into surrogate pregnancy. For instance, because of various surrogacy laws, surrogates need to give birth in a specific state. This can mean that she is unable to travel via plane to her relatives home for the holidays, or that she might need to pass on a vacation with friends.
This can also mean that if something devastating were to happen, such as her own mother were to fall ill, or worse, pass away, she would be contractually unable to travel to her bedside for fear she would go into labor in an unfriendly surrogacy
All these things are what makes surrogacy by very nature altruistic. A surrogate's family sacrifices and goes to unbelievable lengths to give to the intended parents and their family. The fees a surrogate takes are paltry in comparison.
The truth is, though most surrogate mothers would love to do an altruistic surrogacy, it simply isn't practical. And it honestly isn't fair, to her or her family, to put them through such a situation without some sort of compensation, in most situations.
Where to Find an Altruistic Surrogate Mother
Though there are some women who wake up one day and suddenly decide to become a surrogate mother without taking a fee, they are few and far between. This is the equivalent of someone who donates a kidney to a complete stranger. It happens, but you do not hear about it often.
And just like a donated kidney, the best and most likely place to find a woman willing to be an altruistic surrogate is within your own immediate family or circle of close friends. A mother, a sister, a cousin, these are the people who would not only be the most willing to help achieve a surrogate pregnancy, but who would feel compelled to do it for free.
The main of the disadvantages of surrogacy is the sheer cost of the entire process. There are many, many surrogates out there who take a low fee, some low enough to almost be considered an altruistic surrogacy. If money is an issue, these women should be sought out using some of the ways to find an independent surrogacy match.
There would be no altruistic surrogacy arrangements through an agency of any sort.
Would you ever consider becoming a surrogate mother without accepting anything?
I got very annoyed by some of the things I read from IPs and Surrogates on the website so felt this was necessary to express myself and feeling on this topic!
Setting up blog!!!
So I am sure by the amount things I am postings you see the page is under construction! I am trying to transfer things that I have posted on my FB and website that I am apart of to the new blog! Bare with me and I will try to get it everything together soon! Hope the information, thoughts, and information I post here you find helpful! Also please don't be afraid to post comments, questions, concerns, requests, etc...
Acronyms
2WW = 2-Week Wait
ABF = Adoptive Breastfeeding
AF = Aunt Flo or Menstrual cycle
AI = Artificial Insemination
AO = Anovulation
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA = Anti-sperm Antibody
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BH = Braxton Hicks Contractions
BMS = Baby making Sex
BW = Blood Work
CB = Cycle Buddy
CD = Cycle Day
CF = Cervical Fluid
CM = Cervical Mucus
D&E = Dilation & Evacuation
DE = Donor Eggs
DES = Diethylstilbestrol (a synthetic estrogen)
DI = Donor Insemination
DIUI = Donor Intrauterine Insemination
DOST = Direct Oocyte-Sperm Transfer
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis
E2 = Estradiol
EBM = Expressed Breastmilk
ED = Egg Donor
ENDO = Endometriosis
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
ET = Embryo Transfer
FE = Frozen Embryo
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
FSH = Follicle-Stimulating Hormone
GC = Gestational Carrier
GIFT = Gamete Intrafallopian Transfer
GnRH = Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GS = Gestational Surrogate
HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HOM = High Order Multiples
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram
HYP = hyperstimulation
ICSI = Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IM = Intramuscular injections
IM = Intended Mother
IF = Intended Father
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IP's = Intended Parents
IR = Insulin Resistant
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg = Intravenous Immunoglobulin
LAC = Licensed Acupuncturist
LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LSP = Low Sperm Count
LPD = Luteal-Phase Defect
MC = Miscarriage
OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit
OV = Ovulated
PA = Pelvic Adhesions
PCO = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
PCT = Post Coital Test
PG = Pregnant
PID = Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIO = Progesterone In Oil
PIP's = Previous Intended Parents
PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
Prog = Progesterone
PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
SA = Semen Analysis
SC = Subcutaneous Injections
SI = Secondary Infertility
SIS = Sister in surrogacy
SM = Surrogate Mother
SP = Sperm Count
STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
Stims = stimulation drugs
Stimming = using drugs to stimulate the ovaries
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer
TS = Traditional Surrogate
TSH = Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TX = Treatment
UR = Urologist
US = Ultra Sound
ZIFT = Zygote Intrafallopian Transfer
AF = Aunt Flo or Menstrual cycle
AI = Artificial Insemination
AO = Anovulation
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA = Anti-sperm Antibody
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BH = Braxton Hicks Contractions
BMS = Baby making Sex
BW = Blood Work
CB = Cycle Buddy
CD = Cycle Day
CF = Cervical Fluid
CM = Cervical Mucus
D&E = Dilation & Evacuation
DE = Donor Eggs
DES = Diethylstilbestrol (a synthetic estrogen)
DI = Donor Insemination
DIUI = Donor Intrauterine Insemination
DOST = Direct Oocyte-Sperm Transfer
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis
E2 = Estradiol
EBM = Expressed Breastmilk
ED = Egg Donor
ENDO = Endometriosis
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
ET = Embryo Transfer
FE = Frozen Embryo
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
FSH = Follicle-Stimulating Hormone
GC = Gestational Carrier
GIFT = Gamete Intrafallopian Transfer
GnRH = Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GS = Gestational Surrogate
HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HOM = High Order Multiples
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram
HYP = hyperstimulation
ICSI = Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IM = Intramuscular injections
IM = Intended Mother
IF = Intended Father
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IP's = Intended Parents
IR = Insulin Resistant
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg = Intravenous Immunoglobulin
LAC = Licensed Acupuncturist
LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LSP = Low Sperm Count
LPD = Luteal-Phase Defect
MC = Miscarriage
OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit
OV = Ovulated
PA = Pelvic Adhesions
PCO = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
PCT = Post Coital Test
PG = Pregnant
PID = Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIO = Progesterone In Oil
PIP's = Previous Intended Parents
PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
Prog = Progesterone
PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
SA = Semen Analysis
SC = Subcutaneous Injections
SI = Secondary Infertility
SIS = Sister in surrogacy
SM = Surrogate Mother
SP = Sperm Count
STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
Stims = stimulation drugs
Stimming = using drugs to stimulate the ovaries
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer
TS = Traditional Surrogate
TSH = Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TX = Treatment
UR = Urologist
US = Ultra Sound
ZIFT = Zygote Intrafallopian Transfer
Research on motivations of a surrogate mother
The public controversy over surrogate motherhood is accelerating. Because surrogacy questions cherished cultural beliefs and ideals regarding the mother-infant relationship, it inenvitably stimulates intense anxiety and discomfort. Women who choose to bear children voluntarily for someone else reap disdain, and are seen as cold, heartless, and mercenary, because they seem to so easily ìgive away their babies". Even in the absence of the issue of fee payment, there is a clear moralistic underpinning to the arguments against surrogacy, which is rarely stated overtly, that choosing to have a baby for someone else is reprehensible because it represents a ìrejection" of the infant by its biological mother. These women, who are seen as being prompted by materialistic motives, are correspondingly seen as coming from a financial and/or social ìunderclass". This is perceived as making them vulnerable to being exploited by reproductively ìprostituting" themselves. Finally, they are assumed to suffer a serious traumatic experience because of the perceived ìloss" they suffer in surrendering the infant to the couple.
Although critics have been vocal and strident, there is little actual data to substantiate these claims. This study was a preliminary effort to assess the reality of the assumptions behind this stereotype, to clarify their motives.
METHOD
Interviews
Two hundred potential surrogates applying to The Surrogate Mother Program of New York were screened using a series of three semi-structured interviews, 90 minutes each, to assess their motivation, feelings about surrendering the baby, and a number of related attitudes. General demographic data, medical history, as well as information regarding their current and past life situation, were asked for as well, including childhood relationships. Questions also pertained to their state of emotional health, and corresponded to a traditional clinical interview. The following is a very brief summary of the results of this three year study.
SUBJECTS
The Rejected Group
Individuals were rejected for "emotional" reasons such as:
1. Individuals too ambivalent about becoming surrogates. Serious expressions of conflict over either the responsibility or the commitment of time, energy, and resources required; or uncertainty over whether they would feel comfortable carrying a child that was not "theirs"; or being very anxious about the possibility of social criticism.
2. Individuals overly motivated by the fee.
3.Indivials potentially experiencing too much difficulty in surrendering the baby.
4. Indiviuals likely to suffer severe loss reaction afterwards.
5. Indiviuals in the middle of a "life crisis". Crisis refers to such events as being, at the time of application, in the process of divorce, still recuperating from a divorce, mourning the recent death of a family member or spouse, or being in the midst of an identity crisis, i.e. not knowing what to do with oneÃs life.
6. Indiviuals trying to use the role of surrogate as a way to deal with a traumatic situation. Efforts to "relive" abandonments suffered in childhood through "identifying" with the infant whom they see as being abandoned by themselves or given away; or unconscious conflict over another child themselves. Being a surrogate would allow the applicant to bear the child yet not keep it. The possibility exists of her changing her mind and keeping the child.
7. Individuals in poor emotional condition,depressed, immature, or unstable.
8. Judged to be dishonest and untrustworthy.
The Accepted Group
The accepted group includes those applicants who did not fall into any category of the rejection categories. They were (at most) minimally ambivalent about becoming surrogates not primarily motivated by the fee, and judged as having little potential difficulty in surrendering the baby. They were emotionally adequate, with no serious outstanding pathology. They were frequently judged to be honest and trustworthy.
In addition, they passed the following criteria:
1. Individuals for whom this would be a positive emotional experience, who feel they would gain by it.
2. High frustration tolerance and ìego strength". People with determination to follow through and the capacity to endure the physical and emotional demands and realities of the process.
3. A history of positive and enjoyable preganancies, both physically and emotionally.
4. Positive relationships with their children, to ensure that they have the necessary concern, understanding, and closeness to deal adequately with their childrenÃs questions and feelings about the choice of surrogacy.
5. The presence of a supportive home environment, i.e. spouse or significant others, to ensure an adequate environment during pregnacy.
Demographic Characteritics and Attitudes Related to Surrogacy
The mean age of the entire group was 26. Fifty percent were married, and 26% were single. Seventy-five percent were mothers. Forty percent had a history of one or more abortions. Sixteen percent had some relation to adoption (they or a significant family member were adopted, or they surrendered a child for adoption). As a group, they were predominantly white and either Catholic or Protestant. Almost three-fourths came from large families (three or more siblings). The average educational level was 13.3 years. Fifty percent had one or more years of college. Approximately 71% were employed (at least part-time), and 20% were either teachers or nurses. Their mean income level was above $24,000 per year. Twenty-five percent had combined family incomes above $35,000 per year. [This includes women judged to be ìfinancially desperate.] On average, applicants had been interested in being a surrogate for 1 1/2 years. Seventy-five percent wished to meet the couple.
The "average" surrogate emerges as a white mother with a fair amount of education and income. As a group, they cannot be described as destitute or living in poverty, and do not need the fee being paid them for basic survival. On average, they do not report being under serious financial pressure. Further data reflecting this is presented later on. Most of them are parents who know what the experience of bearing a child is about. There is nothing to indicate that they are naive, passive dupes who are desperate and susceptible to exploitation.
Conclusion
Although money is an important motive to many surrogates, it is not their primary motive. Almost all report a variety of emotional reasons for undertaking surrogacy, and many of these can be grouped together under the heading of wishes to enable parenthood, to feel self-actualized, and to enhance their identity. It is, for these women, a particularly female experience, related to the experiences and meaning of biological functioning and motherhood. The love of their children, the gratification their children offer them, and the wish to share these experiences, were often mentioned by these women. These feelings, influenced a number of the motive categories, including empathy with the infertile wife and the drive to generate parenthood for others.
An indirect implications of all this is that these women are as "normal" as anyone else. Previous research assessing surrogates has also found them to be unremarkable and their personalities to be average. Although psychological needs may sometimes, or perhaps even often, be found underlying a number of the motives reported (e.g., guilt), we do not see that this, in an of itself, invalidates the surrogatesà choice. Such conflicts and needs, in part, fuel most "normal" choices and activities of human beings, such as marriage and career. What are "healthy" motives? We do not ban people from becoming CIA agents or test pilots because they are prompted by unresolved wishes.
This does not mean that there are no unhealthy motives for becoming a surrogate and that no discrimination is necessary. On the contrary, the fact that over 40% of our 200 applicants were rejected for emotionally-based reasons, having to do either with poor motives, general life situation, or general emotional makeup, suggests that great discrimination and caution are necessary in accepting individuals for this process. The reasons for rejection listed earlier, as well as the criteria for acceptance, can provide a useful start in the process of providing needed criteria for evaluating surrogate applicants effectively. Additionally, differences in the composition of accepted and rejected groups reflect the importance of assessing motivation and character. Those individuals and parents who are less detached, more connected to the couple, the baby, and probably to their own children and partners, seem to be the ones favored by our selection criteria. The results may also suggest that, in general, parents are better suited to be surrogates than non-parents, in terms of significant traits, motivation, and more adaptive reactions to surrendering the child.
Being a surrogate is a life experience that allows some women real success in altering their emotional state in a direction they desire and fulfilling ideal images of themselves. A very significant aspect of that image is that of being a mother and, by extension, enabling others to enjoy the pleasures of parenthood that they themselves have had. Because surrogacy involves an act of giving that is personally meaningful to the surrogate, and because what is being given is of unique value, being a surrogate mother has the potential to be a "mutative" event, an experience capable of altering and transforming identity, self-image, and existing psychic structure.
It is exactly the fact that these otherwise individuals, through their biological ability to bear children, feel that they can achieve some measure of greatness that would otherwise be beyond them, that makes being a surrogate so psychologically extraordinary. They feel this moment of greatness as a permanent possession. The memory of this action is a permanent psychological reserve against negative emotional states and events. The motives for becoming a surrogate mother cannot be glibly dismissed as mere "acting out".
In contrast to the stereotype of a heartless, misguided, impoverished woman primarily motivated by money, surrogates emerge here as average mothers, often trying to further the goals of their children and families.
Although critics have been vocal and strident, there is little actual data to substantiate these claims. This study was a preliminary effort to assess the reality of the assumptions behind this stereotype, to clarify their motives.
METHOD
Interviews
Two hundred potential surrogates applying to The Surrogate Mother Program of New York were screened using a series of three semi-structured interviews, 90 minutes each, to assess their motivation, feelings about surrendering the baby, and a number of related attitudes. General demographic data, medical history, as well as information regarding their current and past life situation, were asked for as well, including childhood relationships. Questions also pertained to their state of emotional health, and corresponded to a traditional clinical interview. The following is a very brief summary of the results of this three year study.
SUBJECTS
The Rejected Group
Individuals were rejected for "emotional" reasons such as:
1. Individuals too ambivalent about becoming surrogates. Serious expressions of conflict over either the responsibility or the commitment of time, energy, and resources required; or uncertainty over whether they would feel comfortable carrying a child that was not "theirs"; or being very anxious about the possibility of social criticism.
2. Individuals overly motivated by the fee.
3.Indivials potentially experiencing too much difficulty in surrendering the baby.
4. Indiviuals likely to suffer severe loss reaction afterwards.
5. Indiviuals in the middle of a "life crisis". Crisis refers to such events as being, at the time of application, in the process of divorce, still recuperating from a divorce, mourning the recent death of a family member or spouse, or being in the midst of an identity crisis, i.e. not knowing what to do with oneÃs life.
6. Indiviuals trying to use the role of surrogate as a way to deal with a traumatic situation. Efforts to "relive" abandonments suffered in childhood through "identifying" with the infant whom they see as being abandoned by themselves or given away; or unconscious conflict over another child themselves. Being a surrogate would allow the applicant to bear the child yet not keep it. The possibility exists of her changing her mind and keeping the child.
7. Individuals in poor emotional condition,depressed, immature, or unstable.
8. Judged to be dishonest and untrustworthy.
The Accepted Group
The accepted group includes those applicants who did not fall into any category of the rejection categories. They were (at most) minimally ambivalent about becoming surrogates not primarily motivated by the fee, and judged as having little potential difficulty in surrendering the baby. They were emotionally adequate, with no serious outstanding pathology. They were frequently judged to be honest and trustworthy.
In addition, they passed the following criteria:
1. Individuals for whom this would be a positive emotional experience, who feel they would gain by it.
2. High frustration tolerance and ìego strength". People with determination to follow through and the capacity to endure the physical and emotional demands and realities of the process.
3. A history of positive and enjoyable preganancies, both physically and emotionally.
4. Positive relationships with their children, to ensure that they have the necessary concern, understanding, and closeness to deal adequately with their childrenÃs questions and feelings about the choice of surrogacy.
5. The presence of a supportive home environment, i.e. spouse or significant others, to ensure an adequate environment during pregnacy.
Demographic Characteritics and Attitudes Related to Surrogacy
The mean age of the entire group was 26. Fifty percent were married, and 26% were single. Seventy-five percent were mothers. Forty percent had a history of one or more abortions. Sixteen percent had some relation to adoption (they or a significant family member were adopted, or they surrendered a child for adoption). As a group, they were predominantly white and either Catholic or Protestant. Almost three-fourths came from large families (three or more siblings). The average educational level was 13.3 years. Fifty percent had one or more years of college. Approximately 71% were employed (at least part-time), and 20% were either teachers or nurses. Their mean income level was above $24,000 per year. Twenty-five percent had combined family incomes above $35,000 per year. [This includes women judged to be ìfinancially desperate.] On average, applicants had been interested in being a surrogate for 1 1/2 years. Seventy-five percent wished to meet the couple.
The "average" surrogate emerges as a white mother with a fair amount of education and income. As a group, they cannot be described as destitute or living in poverty, and do not need the fee being paid them for basic survival. On average, they do not report being under serious financial pressure. Further data reflecting this is presented later on. Most of them are parents who know what the experience of bearing a child is about. There is nothing to indicate that they are naive, passive dupes who are desperate and susceptible to exploitation.
Conclusion
Although money is an important motive to many surrogates, it is not their primary motive. Almost all report a variety of emotional reasons for undertaking surrogacy, and many of these can be grouped together under the heading of wishes to enable parenthood, to feel self-actualized, and to enhance their identity. It is, for these women, a particularly female experience, related to the experiences and meaning of biological functioning and motherhood. The love of their children, the gratification their children offer them, and the wish to share these experiences, were often mentioned by these women. These feelings, influenced a number of the motive categories, including empathy with the infertile wife and the drive to generate parenthood for others.
An indirect implications of all this is that these women are as "normal" as anyone else. Previous research assessing surrogates has also found them to be unremarkable and their personalities to be average. Although psychological needs may sometimes, or perhaps even often, be found underlying a number of the motives reported (e.g., guilt), we do not see that this, in an of itself, invalidates the surrogatesà choice. Such conflicts and needs, in part, fuel most "normal" choices and activities of human beings, such as marriage and career. What are "healthy" motives? We do not ban people from becoming CIA agents or test pilots because they are prompted by unresolved wishes.
This does not mean that there are no unhealthy motives for becoming a surrogate and that no discrimination is necessary. On the contrary, the fact that over 40% of our 200 applicants were rejected for emotionally-based reasons, having to do either with poor motives, general life situation, or general emotional makeup, suggests that great discrimination and caution are necessary in accepting individuals for this process. The reasons for rejection listed earlier, as well as the criteria for acceptance, can provide a useful start in the process of providing needed criteria for evaluating surrogate applicants effectively. Additionally, differences in the composition of accepted and rejected groups reflect the importance of assessing motivation and character. Those individuals and parents who are less detached, more connected to the couple, the baby, and probably to their own children and partners, seem to be the ones favored by our selection criteria. The results may also suggest that, in general, parents are better suited to be surrogates than non-parents, in terms of significant traits, motivation, and more adaptive reactions to surrendering the child.
Being a surrogate is a life experience that allows some women real success in altering their emotional state in a direction they desire and fulfilling ideal images of themselves. A very significant aspect of that image is that of being a mother and, by extension, enabling others to enjoy the pleasures of parenthood that they themselves have had. Because surrogacy involves an act of giving that is personally meaningful to the surrogate, and because what is being given is of unique value, being a surrogate mother has the potential to be a "mutative" event, an experience capable of altering and transforming identity, self-image, and existing psychic structure.
It is exactly the fact that these otherwise individuals, through their biological ability to bear children, feel that they can achieve some measure of greatness that would otherwise be beyond them, that makes being a surrogate so psychologically extraordinary. They feel this moment of greatness as a permanent possession. The memory of this action is a permanent psychological reserve against negative emotional states and events. The motives for becoming a surrogate mother cannot be glibly dismissed as mere "acting out".
In contrast to the stereotype of a heartless, misguided, impoverished woman primarily motivated by money, surrogates emerge here as average mothers, often trying to further the goals of their children and families.
Florida Laws on Surrogacy
The following summary is only meant as an overview of the existing law in Florida and not as the dispensing of legal advise. It is not meant to provide specific answers to your questions or to act as a substitute for the hiring of a lawyer to represent you in these cases. Florida law clearly provides for the parties to each hire their own attorney to represent them in these matters.
Florida has very favorable surrogacy/gestational carrier statutes that recognize contracts for traditional surrogates, egg donors, sperm donors and gestational carriers. All parties participating in these contracts must be at least 18 years of age.
Contracts for Donor of Egg, Sperm and Pre-embryos
These contracts are legal in Florida. The contract itself can require the relinquishment of all maternal or paternal rights and obligation of the resulting child(ren). Florida permits only reasonable compensation directly related to the donation. Florida Statute 742.14.
Contracts for Gestational Carrier
These contracts are also permitted in Florida. The statutes specifies the provisions which must be included in order for the contract to be enforceable. The contract will only be enforceable if the 'commissioning couple' (the intending parents of the child) be over the age of 18, married to each other, and that a physician licensed in Florida has determined that, 'within reasonable medical certainty': 1) the commissioning mother cannot physically gestate a pregnancy to term; 2) the gestation will cause a great risk to the physical health of the commissioning mother; 3) the gestation will cause a risk to the health of the fetus. The statute further requires the contract to include that the gestational carrier be over the age of 18, that she agree to submit to reasonable medical evaluation, treatment and prenatal care, that she retain the sole consent with respect to the clinical intervention and management of her pregnancy, that she relinquish her parental rights of the child upon the birth of the child and assist the commissioning couple in the birth certificate proceeding. The Statute also requires that if either or both of the commissioning couple is the biological parent of the child 'the couple agrees to accept custody of and assume full parental rights and responsibilities of the child immediately upon the child's birth regardless of any impairment of the child.'
Florida requires the commissioning couple and the treating physician to enter into a written agreement that provides for the disposition of the commissioning couple's eggs, sperm, and pre-embryos in the event of divorce, the death of a spouse, or any other unforeseen circumstance. In the event there is no written agreement, the Statute presumes that the egg or sperm shall remain under the control of the donor and the disposition of any pre-embryo shall reside jointly with the commissioning couple. In the event of death of one of the parties, the surviving member of the commissioning couple shall remain in control of any egg, sperm or pre-embryos. However, the Statute adds that 'a child conceived from the eggs or sperm of a person or persons who died before the transfer of their eggs, sperm, or pre-embryos to a woman's body shall not be eligible for a claim against the decedent's estate unless the child has been provided for by the decedent's will.'
Florida permits expenses for medical, legal, psychological, psychiatric care and 'reasonable living expenses' of the gestational carrier to be provided by the intending parents of the child. Although these amounts are not clearly defined, they must pass the 'reasonable' standard in court in order for the contract to be valid. Florida law, like most other states, clearly prohibits the buying and selling of children and although the child created herein is not biologically related to the party receiving the finances, this matter has never been tested in the courts. The medical, legal and other expenses for this type of arrangement are expensive. Parties should enter these agreements with the expectation of helping a family create a child and having reasonable expenses incurred in that process reimbursed and not with the expectation of how much money can be paid for their services. Fortunately most parties entering into these arrangements do so for all the right reasons and an excellent bond is formed between the two families that last long after the birth of the child.
Florida is one of only two states that has codified the birth certificate process enabling couples to establish their parental status of the child without a parternity/adoption process. The law's unique procedure permits the commissioning couple, within three days after the birth of the child, to petition for a birth certificate with their names as the biological parents of the child. This dispenses with the problems incurred in many states where the commissioning couple is actually forced to 'adopt' their own biological child in order to have their names put on the birth certificate. Gestational Carrier arrangements are an excellent alternative for couples who can create a viable embryo, or who, in combination with a egg or sperm donor can create a viable embryo. They are also more acceptable to more women wanting to assist couples in creating their own families in that the child they are carrying is not biologically related to them and thus they do not have some of the issues of loss associated in the giving away of a child created from their egg.
Contracts for Traditional Surrogacy
The requirements for Pre-planned Adoption Agreements, as traditional surrogacy contracts are referred to in Florida, are contained in Florida Statutes 63.212. Preplanned Adoption Agreements shall not 'effect the final transfer of custody of a child or final adoption of a child, without review and approval' by the Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services (DHRS) and the court and must comply with other provisions of Florida's adoption laws. Secondly the consent of the surrogate to place her child for adoption with the intending parents can be executed at the time of entering into the Preplanned Adoption Agreement but is not considered binding until seven days after the birth of the child. Her right to rescind within the seven day period following birth must clearly be made aware to her.
The Preplanned Adoption Agreement shall include, but need not be limited to the following:
1) That the surrogate (referred to in the statute as the voluntary mother) agree to become pregnant by the fertility technique specified in the agreement. This has been defined in the statute as 'artificial embryonation, artifical semination, whether in vivo or in vitro, egg donation, or embryo adoption.' The surrogate further agrees to bear the child and to terminate her parental rights to the child through a written consent executed at the time of entering the agreement with the conditions as stated above.
2) The surrogate agrees to obtain reasonable medical care during the pregnancy and to adhere to reasonable standards of prenatal care, abstain from drinking, smoking, consumption of excess caffeine, etc. These standards of care can be incorporated into the contract and in fact it is recommended that they be as well as the parties clearly discuss them before entering into the agreement to make sure everyone has the same expectations as to reasonable prenatal care.
3) The surrogate acknowledges that she is aware that she will assume parental rights and responsibilities for the child if the intended father and mother terminate the agreement before final transfer of custody is completed, or if a court determines that the intended parent who was to be the biologically-related parent is not the biological parent, or if the court does not approve the Preplanned Adoption Agreement.
4) The intended father, if also the biological father, acknowledges that he is aware that he will assume parental rights and responsibilities for the child if the agreement is terminated for any reason by any party before final transfer of custody is completed or if the Agreement is not approved by the court.
5) The intended parents must both acknowledge that they may not receive custody or parental rights of the child if the surrogate terminates the Agreement or if she rescinds her consent to the stepparent adoption within seven days after the birth of the child.
6) The intended parents may agree to pay all reasonable legal, medical, psychological, or psychiatric, and reasonable living expenses of the Surrogate.
7) The intended parents agree to accept custody of and assert full parental rights and responsibilities of the child immediately upon the child's birth, regardless of any impairments of the child.
8) The intended parents have the right to specify the blood and tissue type test to be performed to determine that at least one of them is the biological parent of the child.
9) The Agreement must state that it can be terminated at any time by any party.
A Preplanned Adoption Agreement may not include any provisions that would reduce the amount paid paid to the Surrogate if the child is stillborn or is born impaired or provide for a bonus payment for any reason, such as the delivery of a healthy child. It also prohibits the inclusion of any provision requiring the Surrogate to terminate the pregnancy.
These are the minimum requirements of the Statute. They obviously raise many questions which can further be elaborated in the Agreement, along with additional provisions agreed to by the parties. Separate legal representation is required for the Surrogate and intended parents. A paternity hearing is held after the birth of the child in the State where the child is born followed by a stepparent adoption in the state where the couple resides. If the adoption proceeding is filed in Florida, each Petition for Adoption filed pursuant to a preplanned adoption agreement must clearly state so in the petition and must attach a copy of the agreement to be reviewed by the court.
Concluding Comments
Assisted Reproductive Technology Service (ARTS) is a relatively new area of practice not only for the lawyers but also for many clinics and doctors. It raises many issues legally, medically and ethically. I suggest a thorough perusal of the many article on the TASC web site www.surrogacy.com that addresses these issues before one invests their finances, emotions and body in this procedure. Since many state have yet to recognize this procedure statutorily, or to accept these contracts, I recommend that at least one of the parties reside in a State that does, or that you use a clinic in a State that has favorable, clearly-defined laws on this subject to establish a nexus for use of that State's laws.
The most important element to a successful surrogate/gestational carrier case is having both parties enter into an enforceable agreement with a full and clear expectation as to everyone's role and responsibility, beginning with meeting or not meeting one another, disclosure of lab tests and psychological tests, number of attempted trials until a pregnancy is achieved, the care and contact of parties during the pregnancy, the parties' views on abortion and under what circumstances, if any, the parties would mutually agree to terminate a pregnancy, discuss and spell out provisions to resolve changes in circumstances, such as multiple births, or handling of disagreements as they arise, when and how the finances are to be handled and dispersed, whether all funds or what portion of the funds are to be held in trust, how custody of the child is to be resolved if circumstances such as death or divorce occurs prior to the birth of the child, and what are the parties' expectations for future contact.
These arrangements are wonderful and incredibly successful alternatives to many families with infertility problems, but these arrangements should not be entered into lightly, especially between family members or close friends where these issues are often not discussed. Through this web site, the resources are now available for you to become educated before you enter into such an arrangement.
NOTE: THE OBSERVATIONS ABOVE ARE RESTRICTED SOLELY TO THE STATE OF FLORIDA, AS OF THE DATE WRITTEN. THE LISTING IS BY NO MEANS EXHAUSTIVE, NOR TAILORED TO THE PARTICULAR FACTS OF ANY GIVEN SITUATION.
ANY REVIEWER OR POTENTIAL USER OF THIS INFORMATION IS ACTIVELY ENCOURAGED TO SEEK COMPETENT LEGAL COUNSEL WHO IS LICENSED TO PRACTICE LAW IN REVIEWER'S STATE OF RESIDENCE.
THE AUTHOR IS NOT QUALIFIED TO COMMENT ON THE LAW OF ANY STATE OTHER THAN FLORIDA. BY MAKING THIS INFORMATION AVAILABLE, THE AUTHOR IS NOT ESTABLISHING A LAWYER-CLIENT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE REVIEWER.
March 1997
Florida has very favorable surrogacy/gestational carrier statutes that recognize contracts for traditional surrogates, egg donors, sperm donors and gestational carriers. All parties participating in these contracts must be at least 18 years of age.
Contracts for Donor of Egg, Sperm and Pre-embryos
These contracts are legal in Florida. The contract itself can require the relinquishment of all maternal or paternal rights and obligation of the resulting child(ren). Florida permits only reasonable compensation directly related to the donation. Florida Statute 742.14.
Contracts for Gestational Carrier
These contracts are also permitted in Florida. The statutes specifies the provisions which must be included in order for the contract to be enforceable. The contract will only be enforceable if the 'commissioning couple' (the intending parents of the child) be over the age of 18, married to each other, and that a physician licensed in Florida has determined that, 'within reasonable medical certainty': 1) the commissioning mother cannot physically gestate a pregnancy to term; 2) the gestation will cause a great risk to the physical health of the commissioning mother; 3) the gestation will cause a risk to the health of the fetus. The statute further requires the contract to include that the gestational carrier be over the age of 18, that she agree to submit to reasonable medical evaluation, treatment and prenatal care, that she retain the sole consent with respect to the clinical intervention and management of her pregnancy, that she relinquish her parental rights of the child upon the birth of the child and assist the commissioning couple in the birth certificate proceeding. The Statute also requires that if either or both of the commissioning couple is the biological parent of the child 'the couple agrees to accept custody of and assume full parental rights and responsibilities of the child immediately upon the child's birth regardless of any impairment of the child.'
Florida requires the commissioning couple and the treating physician to enter into a written agreement that provides for the disposition of the commissioning couple's eggs, sperm, and pre-embryos in the event of divorce, the death of a spouse, or any other unforeseen circumstance. In the event there is no written agreement, the Statute presumes that the egg or sperm shall remain under the control of the donor and the disposition of any pre-embryo shall reside jointly with the commissioning couple. In the event of death of one of the parties, the surviving member of the commissioning couple shall remain in control of any egg, sperm or pre-embryos. However, the Statute adds that 'a child conceived from the eggs or sperm of a person or persons who died before the transfer of their eggs, sperm, or pre-embryos to a woman's body shall not be eligible for a claim against the decedent's estate unless the child has been provided for by the decedent's will.'
Florida permits expenses for medical, legal, psychological, psychiatric care and 'reasonable living expenses' of the gestational carrier to be provided by the intending parents of the child. Although these amounts are not clearly defined, they must pass the 'reasonable' standard in court in order for the contract to be valid. Florida law, like most other states, clearly prohibits the buying and selling of children and although the child created herein is not biologically related to the party receiving the finances, this matter has never been tested in the courts. The medical, legal and other expenses for this type of arrangement are expensive. Parties should enter these agreements with the expectation of helping a family create a child and having reasonable expenses incurred in that process reimbursed and not with the expectation of how much money can be paid for their services. Fortunately most parties entering into these arrangements do so for all the right reasons and an excellent bond is formed between the two families that last long after the birth of the child.
Florida is one of only two states that has codified the birth certificate process enabling couples to establish their parental status of the child without a parternity/adoption process. The law's unique procedure permits the commissioning couple, within three days after the birth of the child, to petition for a birth certificate with their names as the biological parents of the child. This dispenses with the problems incurred in many states where the commissioning couple is actually forced to 'adopt' their own biological child in order to have their names put on the birth certificate. Gestational Carrier arrangements are an excellent alternative for couples who can create a viable embryo, or who, in combination with a egg or sperm donor can create a viable embryo. They are also more acceptable to more women wanting to assist couples in creating their own families in that the child they are carrying is not biologically related to them and thus they do not have some of the issues of loss associated in the giving away of a child created from their egg.
Contracts for Traditional Surrogacy
The requirements for Pre-planned Adoption Agreements, as traditional surrogacy contracts are referred to in Florida, are contained in Florida Statutes 63.212. Preplanned Adoption Agreements shall not 'effect the final transfer of custody of a child or final adoption of a child, without review and approval' by the Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services (DHRS) and the court and must comply with other provisions of Florida's adoption laws. Secondly the consent of the surrogate to place her child for adoption with the intending parents can be executed at the time of entering into the Preplanned Adoption Agreement but is not considered binding until seven days after the birth of the child. Her right to rescind within the seven day period following birth must clearly be made aware to her.
The Preplanned Adoption Agreement shall include, but need not be limited to the following:
1) That the surrogate (referred to in the statute as the voluntary mother) agree to become pregnant by the fertility technique specified in the agreement. This has been defined in the statute as 'artificial embryonation, artifical semination, whether in vivo or in vitro, egg donation, or embryo adoption.' The surrogate further agrees to bear the child and to terminate her parental rights to the child through a written consent executed at the time of entering the agreement with the conditions as stated above.
2) The surrogate agrees to obtain reasonable medical care during the pregnancy and to adhere to reasonable standards of prenatal care, abstain from drinking, smoking, consumption of excess caffeine, etc. These standards of care can be incorporated into the contract and in fact it is recommended that they be as well as the parties clearly discuss them before entering into the agreement to make sure everyone has the same expectations as to reasonable prenatal care.
3) The surrogate acknowledges that she is aware that she will assume parental rights and responsibilities for the child if the intended father and mother terminate the agreement before final transfer of custody is completed, or if a court determines that the intended parent who was to be the biologically-related parent is not the biological parent, or if the court does not approve the Preplanned Adoption Agreement.
4) The intended father, if also the biological father, acknowledges that he is aware that he will assume parental rights and responsibilities for the child if the agreement is terminated for any reason by any party before final transfer of custody is completed or if the Agreement is not approved by the court.
5) The intended parents must both acknowledge that they may not receive custody or parental rights of the child if the surrogate terminates the Agreement or if she rescinds her consent to the stepparent adoption within seven days after the birth of the child.
6) The intended parents may agree to pay all reasonable legal, medical, psychological, or psychiatric, and reasonable living expenses of the Surrogate.
7) The intended parents agree to accept custody of and assert full parental rights and responsibilities of the child immediately upon the child's birth, regardless of any impairments of the child.
8) The intended parents have the right to specify the blood and tissue type test to be performed to determine that at least one of them is the biological parent of the child.
9) The Agreement must state that it can be terminated at any time by any party.
A Preplanned Adoption Agreement may not include any provisions that would reduce the amount paid paid to the Surrogate if the child is stillborn or is born impaired or provide for a bonus payment for any reason, such as the delivery of a healthy child. It also prohibits the inclusion of any provision requiring the Surrogate to terminate the pregnancy.
These are the minimum requirements of the Statute. They obviously raise many questions which can further be elaborated in the Agreement, along with additional provisions agreed to by the parties. Separate legal representation is required for the Surrogate and intended parents. A paternity hearing is held after the birth of the child in the State where the child is born followed by a stepparent adoption in the state where the couple resides. If the adoption proceeding is filed in Florida, each Petition for Adoption filed pursuant to a preplanned adoption agreement must clearly state so in the petition and must attach a copy of the agreement to be reviewed by the court.
Concluding Comments
Assisted Reproductive Technology Service (ARTS) is a relatively new area of practice not only for the lawyers but also for many clinics and doctors. It raises many issues legally, medically and ethically. I suggest a thorough perusal of the many article on the TASC web site www.surrogacy.com that addresses these issues before one invests their finances, emotions and body in this procedure. Since many state have yet to recognize this procedure statutorily, or to accept these contracts, I recommend that at least one of the parties reside in a State that does, or that you use a clinic in a State that has favorable, clearly-defined laws on this subject to establish a nexus for use of that State's laws.
The most important element to a successful surrogate/gestational carrier case is having both parties enter into an enforceable agreement with a full and clear expectation as to everyone's role and responsibility, beginning with meeting or not meeting one another, disclosure of lab tests and psychological tests, number of attempted trials until a pregnancy is achieved, the care and contact of parties during the pregnancy, the parties' views on abortion and under what circumstances, if any, the parties would mutually agree to terminate a pregnancy, discuss and spell out provisions to resolve changes in circumstances, such as multiple births, or handling of disagreements as they arise, when and how the finances are to be handled and dispersed, whether all funds or what portion of the funds are to be held in trust, how custody of the child is to be resolved if circumstances such as death or divorce occurs prior to the birth of the child, and what are the parties' expectations for future contact.
These arrangements are wonderful and incredibly successful alternatives to many families with infertility problems, but these arrangements should not be entered into lightly, especially between family members or close friends where these issues are often not discussed. Through this web site, the resources are now available for you to become educated before you enter into such an arrangement.
NOTE: THE OBSERVATIONS ABOVE ARE RESTRICTED SOLELY TO THE STATE OF FLORIDA, AS OF THE DATE WRITTEN. THE LISTING IS BY NO MEANS EXHAUSTIVE, NOR TAILORED TO THE PARTICULAR FACTS OF ANY GIVEN SITUATION.
ANY REVIEWER OR POTENTIAL USER OF THIS INFORMATION IS ACTIVELY ENCOURAGED TO SEEK COMPETENT LEGAL COUNSEL WHO IS LICENSED TO PRACTICE LAW IN REVIEWER'S STATE OF RESIDENCE.
THE AUTHOR IS NOT QUALIFIED TO COMMENT ON THE LAW OF ANY STATE OTHER THAN FLORIDA. BY MAKING THIS INFORMATION AVAILABLE, THE AUTHOR IS NOT ESTABLISHING A LAWYER-CLIENT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE REVIEWER.
March 1997
A good Surrogate?
Looking for "One Good Surrogate"!
What is a "good surrogate" anyway? What type of qualities does one need to be in that illusive category of being Good? We all know that if a woman qualifies according to the clinical guidelines that she certainly should be at least Ms. "Good Enough".
Being a "good surrogate" really does go beyond the BMI and age requirements. Beyond how healthy or how easy her pregnancies were. Intended Parents (and agencies alike) seem to be looking for that 'thing' that will set one woman apart from all the others. Below is a list of those other qualities that seem to be in demand and I am going to write a series of articles about each point. Some maybe tongue in cheek and others I maybe quite serious about but all have a bit of truth in them!
Number One: A 'Good Surrogate' should show that she is totally committed to the surrogacy process.
Number Two: A 'Good Surrogate' is always easy to communicate with and easily reachable as well as responsive.
Number Three: A 'Good Surrogate' follows directions to a T and will double, no, TRIPLE check her doctors orders if she has the slightest question.
Number Four: A 'Good Surrogate' will put her Intended Parents first in all aspects during the pregnancy and her family will support her in her cause.
Number Five: A 'Good Surrogate' doesn't "need the money" that she may earn through being a carrier for another couple. It's just extra cash to spend on her family.
Number Six: A 'Good Surrogate' will take great pains to stay away from any toxic chemicals (no acrylic nails or cigarette smoke).
Number Seven: A 'Good Surrogate' is one who watches what she eats. She is trying to eat mostly organic foods and avoids fast food joints.
Number Eight: A 'Good Surrogate' loves to exercise and is in the best health possible.
Number Nine: A 'Good Surrogate' will consider her Intended Parents wishes when it comes to possible selective reduction and termination.
Number Ten: A 'Good Surrogate' has educated herself and isn't afraid to educate others about what she is doing.
Number Eleven: A 'Good Surrogate' will understand the demands of a new baby on her Intended Parents and know that they can't always be as close as they once were.
Number Twelve: A 'Good Surrogate' becomes a "Great Surrogate" after all of the above have happened. A Great Surrogate usually wants to be matched again and enjoyed the entire experience.
What is a "good surrogate" anyway? What type of qualities does one need to be in that illusive category of being Good? We all know that if a woman qualifies according to the clinical guidelines that she certainly should be at least Ms. "Good Enough".
Being a "good surrogate" really does go beyond the BMI and age requirements. Beyond how healthy or how easy her pregnancies were. Intended Parents (and agencies alike) seem to be looking for that 'thing' that will set one woman apart from all the others. Below is a list of those other qualities that seem to be in demand and I am going to write a series of articles about each point. Some maybe tongue in cheek and others I maybe quite serious about but all have a bit of truth in them!
Number One: A 'Good Surrogate' should show that she is totally committed to the surrogacy process.
Number Two: A 'Good Surrogate' is always easy to communicate with and easily reachable as well as responsive.
Number Three: A 'Good Surrogate' follows directions to a T and will double, no, TRIPLE check her doctors orders if she has the slightest question.
Number Four: A 'Good Surrogate' will put her Intended Parents first in all aspects during the pregnancy and her family will support her in her cause.
Number Five: A 'Good Surrogate' doesn't "need the money" that she may earn through being a carrier for another couple. It's just extra cash to spend on her family.
Number Six: A 'Good Surrogate' will take great pains to stay away from any toxic chemicals (no acrylic nails or cigarette smoke).
Number Seven: A 'Good Surrogate' is one who watches what she eats. She is trying to eat mostly organic foods and avoids fast food joints.
Number Eight: A 'Good Surrogate' loves to exercise and is in the best health possible.
Number Nine: A 'Good Surrogate' will consider her Intended Parents wishes when it comes to possible selective reduction and termination.
Number Ten: A 'Good Surrogate' has educated herself and isn't afraid to educate others about what she is doing.
Number Eleven: A 'Good Surrogate' will understand the demands of a new baby on her Intended Parents and know that they can't always be as close as they once were.
Number Twelve: A 'Good Surrogate' becomes a "Great Surrogate" after all of the above have happened. A Great Surrogate usually wants to be matched again and enjoyed the entire experience.
After a transfer of a 5 day embryo
Days Past
Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four Implantation continues
Five Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four Implantation continues
Five Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
After a 3 day embryo transfer
Days Past
Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six Implantation continues
Seven implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six Implantation continues
Seven implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
Surrogate Angel
You're a child of my body, but not my own
and a miracle to see,
a precious, wonderful gift from God
growing inside of me.
Our time together won't be for life,
nor will we ever bond
but I've chosen to be your surrogate mom,
to forever bring a song.
To the parents who love you very much
and are willing to let me share
in bringing you into this beautiful world
in a way that is so rare.
My body will be your shelter,
a place for you to grow
I'll keep you warm and nurture you
"Til you star in your own show.
I wish for you much happiness
make the most of everyday,
Don't ever doubt that you are loved,
and let Jesus light your way.
and a miracle to see,
a precious, wonderful gift from God
growing inside of me.
Our time together won't be for life,
nor will we ever bond
but I've chosen to be your surrogate mom,
to forever bring a song.
To the parents who love you very much
and are willing to let me share
in bringing you into this beautiful world
in a way that is so rare.
My body will be your shelter,
a place for you to grow
I'll keep you warm and nurture you
"Til you star in your own show.
I wish for you much happiness
make the most of everyday,
Don't ever doubt that you are loved,
and let Jesus light your way.
A guide for Intended Parents when getting to know a Surrogate
Surrogate Questionnaire: Getting to Know You Questions
Names of surrogate and spouse, ages
How many children do you have? Do you have legal custody of all of your children? Tell us about your children.
Do you want to have any more children?
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living? Your husband/partner?
How long have you been together?
Why did you decide to become a surrogate mother?
Does your family know that you are thinking of becoming a surrogate mother?
What religion are you? What are your religious beliefs?
Describe your personality. What are your interests? Hobbies?
Has anyone in your household ever been arrested or convicted of a crime? Please explain.
Traditional Surrogate Specific Questions
Physical characteristics including height, weight, hair and eye color, heredity.
What was your high school GPA? Do you know your IQ score? How about ACT or SAT scores? What sort of extracurricular activities were you involved with?
Did you attend college? What did you study? What was your GPA?
Do you have any learning disabilities?
Are both your parents living? What about your grandparents? Siblings? If not, how did they pass away? How old were they?
What kinds of medical conditions are prevalent in your family? Does your family have a history of cancer, heart disease, genetic birth defects?
Surrogate Questionnaire: Health Questions
How many pregnancies have you had? Were they easy pregnancies? Any complications during the pregnancies or births?
Have you had any miscarriages? How many? When?
Were your children born healthy?
What medications are you currently taking?
Do you have any conditions or illnesses which may prevent you becoming pregnant or which may affect your ability to carry?
Have you ever been under psychological care, or hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
Do you have a history or have you ever been treated for any drug or alcohol related issues?
Do you smoke? If you drink recreationally, do you have any problem with abstaining from alcohol during your pregnancy?
When was your last check up with your doctor?
Do you have any STDs, including herpes or HPV?
What forms of birth control are you currently using?
If bed rest was recommended by your doctor, would this be a problem?
Surrogate Questionnaire: Previous Surrogacy Experience
Have you ever been a surrogate mother before? If yes, please describe your previous commercial surrogacy journeys.
How many IVF attempts (or cycles) are you willing to try in order to achieve a surrogate pregnancy?
How many embryos do you foresee implanting during each attempt? (gestational surrogacy)
What are your feelings on becoming pregnant with twins or triplets?
What are your feelings on selective reduction?
What are your feelings on abortion if it was found that a child was found to have birth defects?
If an amniocentesis was recommended, would you be willing to have one?
How do you feel about traveling out of state for the embryo transfer? (gestational surrogacy)
How would you feel about doing home inseminations? (traditional surrogacy)
Do you think it will be difficult for you to give the child back to his parents? Please explain.
What sort of support system do you have in place for surrogate pregnancy?
How does your partner feel about commercial surrogacy? Does he realize that he will need to be involved in testing, possibly medicine administration, and supportive of you throughout the journey?
Surrogate Questionnaire: During the Pregnancy
What kind of contact do you foresee having during the surrogate pregnancy? Do you want us to attend every doctor's appointment? Or would you only like us to attend ultrasounds, or no appointments at all?
Who would you want present at the birth? If a c-section was required, who would you want to be present?
How do you feel about various forms of publicity?
Would you be comfortable with having the birth videotaped?
Surrogate Questionnaire: Financial Questions
What are you looking for as far as commercial surrogacy compensation? Do you have a set figure in mind?
Is this amount negotiable?
Surrogacy Questionnaire: After the Surrogate Pregnancy
What kind of future contact do you expect to have with your intended parents or the baby? (calls, pictures, meetings, etc)
How would you feel if the child wanted to meet you?
How do you feel about pumping breast milk for the baby? For how long would you be willing to do so?
Would you be interested in doing a second surrogacy in the future as a sibling project if the first surrogacy worked out? How far into the future? (one year, three years, right away, etc)
It's also important to include questions in your surrogate questionnaire that might reflect your personal or religious feelings. Do you only want to work with surrogate mothers who are stay at home moms? That's fine. How about finding a surogate mother who is your specific religion? That's OK too.
What is not OK is to rush the matching process because you are eager to get started, only to find yourself in a situation where you are compromising your feelings and beliefs.
Despite what you may be feeling emotionally, there are plenty of surrogate mothers out there just waiting to answer your surrogate mother wanted ad. Take your time, use this surrogate questionnaire, and find the right woman for your commercial surrogacy journey.
Names of surrogate and spouse, ages
How many children do you have? Do you have legal custody of all of your children? Tell us about your children.
Do you want to have any more children?
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living? Your husband/partner?
How long have you been together?
Why did you decide to become a surrogate mother?
Does your family know that you are thinking of becoming a surrogate mother?
What religion are you? What are your religious beliefs?
Describe your personality. What are your interests? Hobbies?
Has anyone in your household ever been arrested or convicted of a crime? Please explain.
Traditional Surrogate Specific Questions
Physical characteristics including height, weight, hair and eye color, heredity.
What was your high school GPA? Do you know your IQ score? How about ACT or SAT scores? What sort of extracurricular activities were you involved with?
Did you attend college? What did you study? What was your GPA?
Do you have any learning disabilities?
Are both your parents living? What about your grandparents? Siblings? If not, how did they pass away? How old were they?
What kinds of medical conditions are prevalent in your family? Does your family have a history of cancer, heart disease, genetic birth defects?
Surrogate Questionnaire: Health Questions
How many pregnancies have you had? Were they easy pregnancies? Any complications during the pregnancies or births?
Have you had any miscarriages? How many? When?
Were your children born healthy?
What medications are you currently taking?
Do you have any conditions or illnesses which may prevent you becoming pregnant or which may affect your ability to carry?
Have you ever been under psychological care, or hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
Do you have a history or have you ever been treated for any drug or alcohol related issues?
Do you smoke? If you drink recreationally, do you have any problem with abstaining from alcohol during your pregnancy?
When was your last check up with your doctor?
Do you have any STDs, including herpes or HPV?
What forms of birth control are you currently using?
If bed rest was recommended by your doctor, would this be a problem?
Surrogate Questionnaire: Previous Surrogacy Experience
Have you ever been a surrogate mother before? If yes, please describe your previous commercial surrogacy journeys.
How many IVF attempts (or cycles) are you willing to try in order to achieve a surrogate pregnancy?
How many embryos do you foresee implanting during each attempt? (gestational surrogacy)
What are your feelings on becoming pregnant with twins or triplets?
What are your feelings on selective reduction?
What are your feelings on abortion if it was found that a child was found to have birth defects?
If an amniocentesis was recommended, would you be willing to have one?
How do you feel about traveling out of state for the embryo transfer? (gestational surrogacy)
How would you feel about doing home inseminations? (traditional surrogacy)
Do you think it will be difficult for you to give the child back to his parents? Please explain.
What sort of support system do you have in place for surrogate pregnancy?
How does your partner feel about commercial surrogacy? Does he realize that he will need to be involved in testing, possibly medicine administration, and supportive of you throughout the journey?
Surrogate Questionnaire: During the Pregnancy
What kind of contact do you foresee having during the surrogate pregnancy? Do you want us to attend every doctor's appointment? Or would you only like us to attend ultrasounds, or no appointments at all?
Who would you want present at the birth? If a c-section was required, who would you want to be present?
How do you feel about various forms of publicity?
Would you be comfortable with having the birth videotaped?
Surrogate Questionnaire: Financial Questions
What are you looking for as far as commercial surrogacy compensation? Do you have a set figure in mind?
Is this amount negotiable?
Surrogacy Questionnaire: After the Surrogate Pregnancy
What kind of future contact do you expect to have with your intended parents or the baby? (calls, pictures, meetings, etc)
How would you feel if the child wanted to meet you?
How do you feel about pumping breast milk for the baby? For how long would you be willing to do so?
Would you be interested in doing a second surrogacy in the future as a sibling project if the first surrogacy worked out? How far into the future? (one year, three years, right away, etc)
It's also important to include questions in your surrogate questionnaire that might reflect your personal or religious feelings. Do you only want to work with surrogate mothers who are stay at home moms? That's fine. How about finding a surogate mother who is your specific religion? That's OK too.
What is not OK is to rush the matching process because you are eager to get started, only to find yourself in a situation where you are compromising your feelings and beliefs.
Despite what you may be feeling emotionally, there are plenty of surrogate mothers out there just waiting to answer your surrogate mother wanted ad. Take your time, use this surrogate questionnaire, and find the right woman for your commercial surrogacy journey.
A guide for surrogates to use when getting to know IPs
Intended Parents Questionnaire: Getting to Know You Questions
Names, Ages
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living?
Where did you meet?
How long have you been together?
Do you have other children? Together, or from previous relationships? Do you have legal custody of all of your children?
Does your family know that you are looking into surrogacy? If not, are you planning to tell them?
What religion are you? What are your religious beliefs?
Describe your personalities. What are your interests? Hobbies?
Has anyone in your household ever been arrested or convicted of a crime?
Intended Parents Questionnaire: Health Questions
Why are you looking for a potential surrogate mothers?
If it is because of a medical issue, is the condition fatal? In other words, would there be a likelihood that the child would lose its parents?
Have you ever been under psychological care, or hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
Is there a history of treatment for drug or alcohol related illness?
Intended Parent Questionnaire: Surrogacy Issues
How many IVF attempts (or cycles) are you willing to try in order to conceive a child?
How many embryos do you foresee implanting during each attempt?
What are your feelings on becoming the parents of twins or triplets?
What are your feelings on selective reduction?
What are your feelings on abortion if it was found that a child was found to have birth defects?
If an amniocentesis was recommended, knowing the risks to the fetus, would you want one performed?
Do you have a support system in place for surrogacy issues you may be facing during this journey?
During the Pregnancy
What kind of contact do you foresee having during the surrogate pregnancy? Do you want to go to every doctor's appointment? Or would you only like to attend ultrasounds, or no appointments at all?
Who would you want present at the birth? Do you want to be there?
If a c-section was required, would you be OK with the decision of your surrogate to include her husband in the room instead of the intended mother/father?
How do you feel about various forms of publicity?
Would you like to videotape the birth?
Intended Parents Questionnaire: Financial Questions
Are you aware of the costs associated with surrogate motherhood? Are you in a financial position to be able to meet those commercial surrogacy costs?
What types of compensation are you looking to provide to your surrogate? Do you have a set figure in mind?
Is this figure negotiable?
Intended Parents Questions: After the Pregnancy
What kind of future contact do you foresee having with your surrogate mother?
Would you want your surrogate mother to express breast milk for the baby?
Would you be interested in doing a second commercial surrogacy in the future as a sibling project if the first surrogate motherhood journey worked out? How far into the future? (one year, three years, right away, etc)
When becoming a surrogate mother, it is also important to include questions in your intended parents questionnaire that might reflect your personal or religious feelings. Do you only want to work with intended mothers who wish to stay home with their children? That's fine. How about those who are only your specific religion?
Names, Ages
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living?
Where did you meet?
How long have you been together?
Do you have other children? Together, or from previous relationships? Do you have legal custody of all of your children?
Does your family know that you are looking into surrogacy? If not, are you planning to tell them?
What religion are you? What are your religious beliefs?
Describe your personalities. What are your interests? Hobbies?
Has anyone in your household ever been arrested or convicted of a crime?
Intended Parents Questionnaire: Health Questions
Why are you looking for a potential surrogate mothers?
If it is because of a medical issue, is the condition fatal? In other words, would there be a likelihood that the child would lose its parents?
Have you ever been under psychological care, or hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
Is there a history of treatment for drug or alcohol related illness?
Intended Parent Questionnaire: Surrogacy Issues
How many IVF attempts (or cycles) are you willing to try in order to conceive a child?
How many embryos do you foresee implanting during each attempt?
What are your feelings on becoming the parents of twins or triplets?
What are your feelings on selective reduction?
What are your feelings on abortion if it was found that a child was found to have birth defects?
If an amniocentesis was recommended, knowing the risks to the fetus, would you want one performed?
Do you have a support system in place for surrogacy issues you may be facing during this journey?
During the Pregnancy
What kind of contact do you foresee having during the surrogate pregnancy? Do you want to go to every doctor's appointment? Or would you only like to attend ultrasounds, or no appointments at all?
Who would you want present at the birth? Do you want to be there?
If a c-section was required, would you be OK with the decision of your surrogate to include her husband in the room instead of the intended mother/father?
How do you feel about various forms of publicity?
Would you like to videotape the birth?
Intended Parents Questionnaire: Financial Questions
Are you aware of the costs associated with surrogate motherhood? Are you in a financial position to be able to meet those commercial surrogacy costs?
What types of compensation are you looking to provide to your surrogate? Do you have a set figure in mind?
Is this figure negotiable?
Intended Parents Questions: After the Pregnancy
What kind of future contact do you foresee having with your surrogate mother?
Would you want your surrogate mother to express breast milk for the baby?
Would you be interested in doing a second commercial surrogacy in the future as a sibling project if the first surrogate motherhood journey worked out? How far into the future? (one year, three years, right away, etc)
When becoming a surrogate mother, it is also important to include questions in your intended parents questionnaire that might reflect your personal or religious feelings. Do you only want to work with intended mothers who wish to stay home with their children? That's fine. How about those who are only your specific religion?
Letter from my aunt! My inspiration
January 19, 2012
To Whom It May Concern:
Wanda
Please accept this letter on behalf of
Britney Jenkins. Britney is my niece and has been a very important person in my
life since her birth. I have watched her grow into a very independent woman.
She has personally been a supportive person in my life. I know that most of the
time the adult aunt or family member should be the support but Britney has the
personality that gives everything she possibly can to her family.
I am very lucky to have her in my life. I
am unable to have children and she has offered to have a child for me before. I
know she would do that for me without even having a second thought about it.
And later on if I do decide that I want to bring a child into my life. I would
ask her to be the one that carries my child.
Britney is a caring mother to her children.
She gives them 100% all of the time. If more parents were like her, the
children of this world would not be in the state they are now.
Any family that selects her and gets to
know her will in fact have gained a wonderful person into their life. I believe
that Britney understands what it is like for someone to want a child in their
life and be unable to provide that themselves because of the problems I have
had. She has seen first hand the disappointment and desire that I have had and
understands what it is like to be able to give that gift to a special couple.
I can not imagine my life without her in
it. And our family supports her in the mission she has taken on to help others
complete their families. Anyone would be lucky to have her provide a child for
their family.
Sincerely,
Friday, August 16, 2013
Our Journey to N & A!
I used my facebook and a Surrogate website that I am apart of to track and blog about my first journey, so I will catch everyone up on that DREAM before moving on to Journey #2 which at this time there is not too much to talk about. I have seen and heard about so many journey's some good, some bad, some indifferent, but none like mine! Maybe I am partial, but I guess you can tell me after you read!
I had been in the Surrogacy World for 10 years prior to even looking to become a surrogate or start a journey. My aunt really opened my eyes to surrogacy due to her own fertility issues. I saw the pain this caused her, a pain that doesn't get better or go away. There are so many reasons why I waited that long to become a surrogate... I wanted to be mature enough, financially stable, emotionally stable, in a relationship with someone who supported my dream of being a surrogate, finished having my own children, etc...
In April 2012 I felt it was the perfect time to start my first journey! I contacted a local family law attorney to start the process of finding IPs ( Intended Parents ) to carry for. I received an email from Maria stating she had an IF ( Intended Father ) who was looking for a GS ( Gestational Surrogate) to carry for him and he was interested in meeting with me to see if we were a good match! We set our first meeting date for April 19th 2012 at Panera Bread!!!! I was so excited to meet Stefanos, a weird feeling that is impossible to explain.
So it's the day of the meeting and I swear my heart is about to beat out of my chest and I can barely compose myself for our introduction! When I get to Panera I look at the cars wondering which one is his, all the men that I walk past which is him, and thinking of what I will say. I walk in the doors and there stands Maria with a huge smile on her face, standing next to a man who wore the same anxious face as me. I introduce myself and shake his hand wondering if he would notice how nervous I was because my hands were so clammy.
We all sat together with our drinks and start to talk about ourselves and what we have been dreaming of for so long "A Journey". I have always been so passionate about surrogacy and I know I portrayed that to Stefanos. I tried to control myself and not overwhelm him with information, but by the look on his face I think it was too late. I remember how excited he was about starting this, how much he really wanted to be a father, and how at peace my heart felt knowing at that moment he was always "The One". As the meeting ended I felt very good about this match, but we both needed to agree so Maria said we can both email her later with our decision, so on to the nail biting wait for an answer...
A few days later I get the sweetest email from Stefanos and can I say those few days felt like a lifetime, he says he wants to MOVE FORWARD!!!!! I seriously screamed out, I was so excited because I truly knew in my heart this was going to be a dream come true. The next steps were getting the contract in order, medical screening and on to the transfer! In the meantime Stefanos and I work on building a foundation for our journey together.
So I got my screening appointment with the clinic for June 7th and everything went great passed with a GOLDEN uterus, contract is completed in late July, and our TRANSFER date is August 21st!!!! Can I just say absolutely nothing happens fast in the surrogacy world, it's a hurry up and wait game! The medications by the way are NOT the most exciting part of the journey. I was taking BCP for about three months prior to transfer, Lupron for one month, progesterone for 12 weeks, and estradiol about 18 weeks. Luckily, only the Lupron was injectable...
On August 21st 2012 we transfer TWO perfect day 5 grade AA embryos! I was told I couldn't talk for the rest of the day then to take it easy for the next 72 hours... NOT TALK, OMG this was going to be quite the challenge! Our first beta ( Blood work for HCG levels) was scheduled for 2 weeks out, AHHHHH the dreaded 2WW (2 Week Wait)! I start testing on HPT ( Home Pregnancy Test) as soon as I get home, LOL! I am not afraid to admit I am a POAS A HOLIC (pee on a stick)!
On August 25th 2012 we get our first 2 PINK lines, WE'RE PREGNANT! 4DP5DT, I couldn't believe it and in all my joy I stop to realize that both embryo's MADE a HOME! I call Stefanos to see if he wanted me to tell him because in earlier days we had agreed I would not tell him results... He finally says YES and I send him a text of the test! We announce the news to everyone on facebook and the Journey has begun! The support Stefanos and I had made the journey that much better!
We had our first sonogram in September and the doctor confirms that it's TWINS!!!!! OMG, I knew it... I cried looking at Stefanos standing there holding my hand looking at his beautiful babies on the screen as they thrive inside me. That was one of the greatest moments I have ever been a part of and to this day I still get Goosebumps thinking about it. We have a follow up sono so the RE can see more growth to confirm a healthy pregnancy about two weeks later and at that time we are released to an OB for a NORMAL pregnancy.
We are on top of the world for sure and I am sick as a dog! OMG, twins are NOT easy and they were killing me with the high levels of HCG they were releasing into my poor body!!!! I seriously had all day sickness until 15 weeks, everything made me sick even water! How cute is Stef one night he drives over and leaves me the cutest basket of all my favorite treats that I told him I liked to eat when I was pregnant. He didn't even knock just left it on the door... I love that guy!
The pregnancy moves along with only one bump, the huge one I carried in front of me!!! I was showing at 15 weeks like I was six months, LOL! Stef and I talked every day, I sent weekly pictures, and we both were feeling great about the journey together. I even then could not have imagined taking this journey with anyone else and thanked my lucky stars it was him! We communicated so well it was unbelievable how comfortable we were, like we had known each other our whole lives...
At 16 weeks I had a regular appointment and an ultrasound was not scheduled it was the only appointment Stef didn't attend and half way through the visit I realize I am going in for an ULTRASOUND!!! In this ultrasound they were able to tell the sex and hear the heartbeats for the first time! I panic and call him to get him there or let him hear over the phone, and to find out what to do about the sex?! He is beyond angry at the OB for making him miss this... He listens to the heartbeat and we have the tech put the pictures with their sexes in a sealed envelope so we can find out together! It's a BOY and GIRL, how perfect!
At 18 weeks we have a little bleed which scared everyone to death and the worst part was Stef was in Cypress at the time, yikes! I was so scared, but it was a very common thing with twins and after that honestly it was smooth sailing other than the fact I was carrying TWINS... Let’s just say he never left the state again! I was lucky that the bleed was the only issue I had while I was pregnant considering the amount of stress they put on your body and risks you face.
In the 3rd trimester we had appointments every two weeks then later on every week, so after our appointments COCONUT cake was our escape and OMG was it good. Even if I could not eat anything that coconut cake was going down! I never ate dessert before I met Stefanos and now no meal is complete without it! I swear he gained more weight than I did and he blamed me for every pound of it! FAT KID!
I loved being pregnant with the Twins it was such a great experience and Stefanos made it even better. He was so involved, more involved then I have ever seen or heard another be. It made the journey that much better. I thought it would be hard to carry for a guy seeing they have no idea what women go through, much less being pregnant with a HUMAN being. He tried his best to understand and be supportive of my needs and moods... I was actually very nice while I was pregnant, well that's what Tanya my partner says!
At 38 weeks and two days we had a regular OB visit, this was actually special because Stefanos mom had flown in and was attending. I expected the US and check up, but not the doctor saying "why are you still pregnant"? HUH, because you want to see me suffer? He says to me go in on Sunday say your having contractions and I won't let you go home... OMG, I could have kissed this guy! When I got out of the room I must have been glowing because everyone was asking what was going on. I told them that in two days we would be meeting these beautiful miracles!
It's SUNDAY! I can't believe it, but when I get the monitoring started I really was contracting, so around 9:30AM we were admitted for the BIG DAY! At 10:00AM we were taken to our room, L&D room 8! Tanya, Stefanos, His mother, and I were all together in the room waiting for the arrival of these magical little babies... At 12:00PM they checked my cervix and I was 4cm dilated and 80% effaced! I got the EPI around 12:30PM I HATE EPI's with a passion so of course it was horrible had to be stuck twice before they got a good line.... After the EPI was placed my BP bottomed out and I almost fainted! YIKES!
After the EPI I was a bit more comfortable so we were all able to joke around and try to envision how the night was going to go, taking bets on times delivered and weights! Stefanos said 6PM, I said 7PM, Tanya said 8PM, and Stefanos Mom said 10PM! At 4:30PM I had another cervical check and there was NO change :( They increased pitocin to try to get things going. Around 6PM my midwife came in and decided to break Nicholas water to speed things up... At 8:45PM I was checked again and had progressed to 6cm 90% effaced, GETTING closer! The EPI was working great so I was pretty comfortable!
At 9PM I started to have horrible pains/pressure so I was checked several times with progress each time. Around 9:30PM the pressure had changed so I was checked I was 9.5 cm and 100% all I had to do was push through a little cervix and BAM! I pushed for about a hour off and on when I felt the need. At 10PM I was rushed to the OR to deliver because I was READY and nothing was stopping me from pushing! By the time we got down the hall to the OR I pushed twice and N FLEW out!!!!! HAPPY Birthday Baby Boy!
Now it was time to turn baby B A so the doctors started to turn her and after about a half an hour of unbelievable PAIN the doctor said he could not turn her and my worst fears came true I needed a Csection... :( I was so afraid and immediately zoned out. The OR filled with people and started to prep for the Csection... In the middle of the Csection I got sick and the anesthesiologist was no where to be found luckily my partner turned my head to keep me from choking on the throw up... AT 10:59PM A was born BUTT first!!!! Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!!!
The anesthesiologist gave me medicine because I was so sick so I was in and out and remember very little after that.... I lost a lot of blood during the Csection and didn't finish until 12:30AM. I woke up in recovery hysterically crying because I had failed and had a Csection :( I was so upset and nothing was calming me down until Stefanos brought me N (baby A) and I immediately felt better! He was so beautiful and prefect in every way! Me and Stefanos shared emotions and I forgot about everything only thing I could think about was how beautiful this baby was and the new life I seen in Stefanos eyes! Stefanos brought A (baby B) in to see me, my little trouble maker and I felt so proud and relived they were both safe and healthy! I fell even more in love with the three of them that moment.
Out of the horrible night and delivery all I can remember are the things Stefanos said to me, the babies, and the new found love I have for them. I was taken from recovery to my room #21 with Tanya, and Stefanos, the babies, and his Mom were taken to their room next door #22! There was very little sleep that night between the nurses, pain, and pure joy knowing what had just happened. The next morning I woke to a text from Stefanos of the babies first morning!!!! I could feel the happiness inside my HEART! We all spent the day going in between rooms getting our love on! Tanya and I fed the babies, cuddled, smelled, etc... all day! Since the delivery we have been together and could not be happier.
I was in so much pain from the deliveries and when I was laying down or doing something I felt like I might die, but as soon as I had one of them in my arms or just be in their presence I feel like I could take on the world! They were my medicine! The babies are perfectly healthy!!!! I am so blessed to complete such an amazing family! I would sit looking at the babies thinking WOW I did that! I baked twins full term to perfection! I would do it all over again for my sweet surro family! I got so very very lucky.
We are released three days later and I remember them in the hallway in their stroller with S holding their things, I was standing in my room and just started to cry uncontrollably not because I was giving my babies away, but because "Our Journey" had ended... My heart actually hurt! Stef comes into to hug me goodbye and says " this is not the end only the beginning, my friend" and in those words I found the strength to say " see you later"!
I finish packing my bags to be discharged staying strong and trying not to think of it as GOODBYE forever! Nurse comes in puts me in the wheelchair and asks " are you going to be okay"? OH God please NOOOO, don't ask that! With that very innocent question the flood gates opened and I cried all the way to the car and for most of that day. My Mother and sister came to visit me after I got home and boy was I out of it.
My mom posted a little blog about how she felt about me that day and let's just say she must have thought I didn't cry enough already! She says I looked lost, like I didn't know what to do next and I was. I remember trying to do things and I would zone out and start to cry, DAMN hormones! For the last year I had given my mind, body, soul, and family to Stefanos and our Surrogacy and in one event it had all ended so naturally I had to get my footing again.
I loved getting pictures of the twins, visiting, and continuing the same amount of communication Stef and I had before! This made my healing time so much easier and faster! The first 3 weeks for me and many of the surrogates I talk to are the hardest, trying to find yourself again and who you are without your surro family is one of the hardest things. I remember people assuming it was about missing the babies and always trying to explain it was "Our Journey" it was my Stef I missed so much. No one can truly understand a surrogates feelings when it comes to her journey sometimes not even other surrogates.
I could write in this blog about Our Journey FOREVER, but I won't! I am happy to say I have pretty much seen the twins and Stef every week since delivery! This is not common and I have never heard or seen a story that ended like mine, but God knows I don't take it for granted and every visit is a truly a reward. We have a wonderful relationship one I can not easily explain and will maybe do that at another time. We still text everyday, visit weekly, pictures, and of course EAT... FAT KIDS!
I love Stef and those babies more than I ever expected or thought possible. My world I know is a better place with them in it and the thought of them any where else is not even an option. I don't know how to label "who" they are in my world all I can say is they complete me! I am forever changed by one dream, one journey, and one family!
At 38 weeks and two days we had a regular OB visit, this was actually special because Stefanos mom had flown in and was attending. I expected the US and check up, but not the doctor saying "why are you still pregnant"? HUH, because you want to see me suffer? He says to me go in on Sunday say your having contractions and I won't let you go home... OMG, I could have kissed this guy! When I got out of the room I must have been glowing because everyone was asking what was going on. I told them that in two days we would be meeting these beautiful miracles!
It's SUNDAY! I can't believe it, but when I get the monitoring started I really was contracting, so around 9:30AM we were admitted for the BIG DAY! At 10:00AM we were taken to our room, L&D room 8! Tanya, Stefanos, His mother, and I were all together in the room waiting for the arrival of these magical little babies... At 12:00PM they checked my cervix and I was 4cm dilated and 80% effaced! I got the EPI around 12:30PM I HATE EPI's with a passion so of course it was horrible had to be stuck twice before they got a good line.... After the EPI was placed my BP bottomed out and I almost fainted! YIKES!
After the EPI I was a bit more comfortable so we were all able to joke around and try to envision how the night was going to go, taking bets on times delivered and weights! Stefanos said 6PM, I said 7PM, Tanya said 8PM, and Stefanos Mom said 10PM! At 4:30PM I had another cervical check and there was NO change :( They increased pitocin to try to get things going. Around 6PM my midwife came in and decided to break Nicholas water to speed things up... At 8:45PM I was checked again and had progressed to 6cm 90% effaced, GETTING closer! The EPI was working great so I was pretty comfortable!
At 9PM I started to have horrible pains/pressure so I was checked several times with progress each time. Around 9:30PM the pressure had changed so I was checked I was 9.5 cm and 100% all I had to do was push through a little cervix and BAM! I pushed for about a hour off and on when I felt the need. At 10PM I was rushed to the OR to deliver because I was READY and nothing was stopping me from pushing! By the time we got down the hall to the OR I pushed twice and N FLEW out!!!!! HAPPY Birthday Baby Boy!
Now it was time to turn baby B A so the doctors started to turn her and after about a half an hour of unbelievable PAIN the doctor said he could not turn her and my worst fears came true I needed a Csection... :( I was so afraid and immediately zoned out. The OR filled with people and started to prep for the Csection... In the middle of the Csection I got sick and the anesthesiologist was no where to be found luckily my partner turned my head to keep me from choking on the throw up... AT 10:59PM A was born BUTT first!!!! Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!!!
The anesthesiologist gave me medicine because I was so sick so I was in and out and remember very little after that.... I lost a lot of blood during the Csection and didn't finish until 12:30AM. I woke up in recovery hysterically crying because I had failed and had a Csection :( I was so upset and nothing was calming me down until Stefanos brought me N (baby A) and I immediately felt better! He was so beautiful and prefect in every way! Me and Stefanos shared emotions and I forgot about everything only thing I could think about was how beautiful this baby was and the new life I seen in Stefanos eyes! Stefanos brought A (baby B) in to see me, my little trouble maker and I felt so proud and relived they were both safe and healthy! I fell even more in love with the three of them that moment.
Out of the horrible night and delivery all I can remember are the things Stefanos said to me, the babies, and the new found love I have for them. I was taken from recovery to my room #21 with Tanya, and Stefanos, the babies, and his Mom were taken to their room next door #22! There was very little sleep that night between the nurses, pain, and pure joy knowing what had just happened. The next morning I woke to a text from Stefanos of the babies first morning!!!! I could feel the happiness inside my HEART! We all spent the day going in between rooms getting our love on! Tanya and I fed the babies, cuddled, smelled, etc... all day! Since the delivery we have been together and could not be happier.
I was in so much pain from the deliveries and when I was laying down or doing something I felt like I might die, but as soon as I had one of them in my arms or just be in their presence I feel like I could take on the world! They were my medicine! The babies are perfectly healthy!!!! I am so blessed to complete such an amazing family! I would sit looking at the babies thinking WOW I did that! I baked twins full term to perfection! I would do it all over again for my sweet surro family! I got so very very lucky.
We are released three days later and I remember them in the hallway in their stroller with S holding their things, I was standing in my room and just started to cry uncontrollably not because I was giving my babies away, but because "Our Journey" had ended... My heart actually hurt! Stef comes into to hug me goodbye and says " this is not the end only the beginning, my friend" and in those words I found the strength to say " see you later"!
I finish packing my bags to be discharged staying strong and trying not to think of it as GOODBYE forever! Nurse comes in puts me in the wheelchair and asks " are you going to be okay"? OH God please NOOOO, don't ask that! With that very innocent question the flood gates opened and I cried all the way to the car and for most of that day. My Mother and sister came to visit me after I got home and boy was I out of it.
My mom posted a little blog about how she felt about me that day and let's just say she must have thought I didn't cry enough already! She says I looked lost, like I didn't know what to do next and I was. I remember trying to do things and I would zone out and start to cry, DAMN hormones! For the last year I had given my mind, body, soul, and family to Stefanos and our Surrogacy and in one event it had all ended so naturally I had to get my footing again.
I loved getting pictures of the twins, visiting, and continuing the same amount of communication Stef and I had before! This made my healing time so much easier and faster! The first 3 weeks for me and many of the surrogates I talk to are the hardest, trying to find yourself again and who you are without your surro family is one of the hardest things. I remember people assuming it was about missing the babies and always trying to explain it was "Our Journey" it was my Stef I missed so much. No one can truly understand a surrogates feelings when it comes to her journey sometimes not even other surrogates.
I could write in this blog about Our Journey FOREVER, but I won't! I am happy to say I have pretty much seen the twins and Stef every week since delivery! This is not common and I have never heard or seen a story that ended like mine, but God knows I don't take it for granted and every visit is a truly a reward. We have a wonderful relationship one I can not easily explain and will maybe do that at another time. We still text everyday, visit weekly, pictures, and of course EAT... FAT KIDS!
I love Stef and those babies more than I ever expected or thought possible. My world I know is a better place with them in it and the thought of them any where else is not even an option. I don't know how to label "who" they are in my world all I can say is they complete me! I am forever changed by one dream, one journey, and one family!
Welcome to My blog about my life as a Surrogate
I'm writing this blog to help people who are either considering being a surrogate or using one. I hope that it shines some light on the process and the feelings that are involved. I see pregnancy, birth and parenting as such a beautiful thing and I am happy I get to share in this experience.
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